The Auerbach REFS Model for Coaching Change with Emotional Intelligence
Part 2: Empathy
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"People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."
—Theodore Roosevelt
During times of upheaval—economic shifts, reorganizations, leadership transitions, the rise of AI, or a myriad of other types of personal changes—uncertainty spikes. Empathy helps leaders build trust and psychological safety, which buffers against fear and resistance to needed change. When disruption reigns, empathy is a foundation for emotionally intelligent, effective leadership. When employees are asked to do more with less, adapt to shifting roles, or cope with difficult changes, empathy is often the most stabilizing and connecting force a leader can offer.
This article, the second in a four-part series on the Auerbach REFS Model for Coaching Change, focuses on Empathy—the "E" in REFS. Grounded in the science of emotional intelligence and measured by the EQ-i 2.0 assessment, the REFS model highlights four emotional intelligence elements critical to coaching during change: Reality Testing, Empathy, Flexibility, and Stress Tolerance. While Reality Testing allows leaders to assess situations accurately, empathy enables them to connect with those experiencing change meaningfully.
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Understanding Empathy in the EQ-i 2.0 Framework
Empathy is the ability to recognize, understand, and appreciate how others feel. It's not about agreeing with the other person's perspective or emotional over-identification—it's about sensing another person's emotional state and responding effectively in the moment. In the context of leadership and coaching, empathy facilitates trust, psychological safety, and engagement—all of which are essential during change.
Empathy is particularly relevant in today's workplace. A recent Catalyst report found that employees with highly empathetic leaders were more innovative (61% vs. 13%) and more engaged (76% vs. 32%) than those with less empathetic leadership [Catalyst, 2021]. These outcomes translate into better morale, collaboration, and ultimately, performance.
Why Empathy Matters During Organizational Change
During times of change, many leaders rush to solve problems and communicate logistics—both of which are important. But what's often missing is the human connection that empathy provides. Here's why empathy is crucial during disruption:
Builds Psychological Safety
When employees feel seen and heard, they are more likely to share concerns, ask for help, and offer honest feedback. This openness enhances team performance and helps leaders uncover hidden obstacles to change.
Enhances Communication
Empathetic leaders listen beyond words. They pick up on tone, body language, and emotional cues. This allows them to tailor communication in ways that resonate more deeply and reduce misunderstandings.
Strengthens Trust and Loyalty
A leader who demonstrates empathy creates a culture of care and support. This fosters loyalty, even when difficult decisions—such as layoffs or reassignments—must be made.
Helps Leaders Manage Diverse Reactions to Change
People respond to change differently. Some may feel energized, others feel threatened. The ideal level of empathy helps leaders to tune into these individual reactions and respond in ways that are validating and constructive.
Coaching Questions and Assignments to Build Empathy
As executive coaches, we can support our clients in strengthening their empathy through self-awareness, reflection, and intentional practice. Ideally these types of questions would be asked after your client has completed the EQ-i 2.0, had an assessment feedback coaching session and has chosen to refine their empathy skills. Below are sample coaching questions and assignments you can use with clients:
Coaching Question
"When was the last time someone on your team was visibly upset or disengaged? How did you respond, and how might empathy have influenced, or not, that interaction?"
Coaching Question
"What cues—verbal or non-verbal—do you look for to understand how others are feeling? How confident are you in your ability to read them accurately?"
Coaching Assignment
"For one week, choose one meeting or conversation per day and focus solely on listening for emotional content. Afterward, reflect on what you noticed and how it influenced the interaction."
Coaching Question
"How do you handle situations where you disagree with someone's feelings or response to change? How could you you still validate their experience?"
Coaching Assignment
"Interview two team members and ask them to describe a time they felt truly understood by a leader. What did the leader do? Reflect on how you might incorporate those behaviors into your leadership."
Case Example
Empathy During Layoffs
Caesar, a senior leader in a financial services firm, was involved in a company-wide downsizing. Although the restructuring was necessary for long-term sustainability, Caesar was distressed about how the news would affect his team.
Initially, Caesar focused on delivering facts and timelines. But during a coaching session, it became clear that what his team needed wasn't just information, it was empathy. Caesar shifted his approach: in one-on-one conversations, he asked team members how they were personally impacted. He acknowledged uncertainty and shared his own feelings of sadness and concern.
Though he couldn't change the decision, Caesar's empathetic communication helped preserve trust. Employees appreciated his honesty and care, and several told him the conversation helped them to cope with the changes. His approach led to better morale, smoother transitions, and in some cases contributed to maintaining positive relationships with departing staff.
Empathy Isn't Always Easy—But It's Always Worth It
Empathy can be uncomfortable, or seem unrealistic, for some leaders, especially in high-stress environments where emotions are seen as distractions, and fast action is called for. However, for the leader who evaluates situations and integrates—in a balanced manner—the skill of empathy, it helps the leader to understand challenges more clearly and often leads to better decision-making and outcomes.
For executive coaches, helping clients understand the value of empathy—and how to practice it authentically, in a balanced manner—can create profound leadership improvement. One of the features of the EQ-I 2.0 assessment is that it provides feedback on how to deploy empathy in a balanced manner, because overused empathy can become a leadership weakness. A balanced use of empathy not only strengthens relationships, but it also creates conditions where people feel valued and better capable of navigating change.
Conclusion
Empathy is one of several emotional intelligence competencies critical for managing change well. Within the Auerbach REFS Model for Coaching Change with Emotional Intelligence, Empathy builds on the foundation of Reality Testing by helping leaders respond not just to situations, but to the people experiencing them.
In our next article in this series, we will turn to Flexibility, another core aspect of emotional intelligence that supports leaders in adapting their thinking and behavior to evolving circumstances. When combined with empathy and clear thinking, flexibility becomes a key enabler of resilience and innovation.
By helping leaders strengthen their emotional intelligence in these domains, coaches play a valuable role in shaping workplaces where people and organizations can thrive—even in the face of change.
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References
- Auerbach, J. (2001) Personal and Executive Coaching: The Complete Guide for Mental Health Professionals. College of Executive Coaching
- Bar-On, R. (2000). Emotional and social intelligence: Insights into theory and practice. In R.
- Catalyst (2021). Empathy: A Critical Leadership Skill in Times of Crisis and Beyond. https://www.catalyst.org/research/empathy-critical-leadership-skill/
- Foster, S. & Auerbach, J. (2015). Positive Psychology in Coaching. College of Executive Coaching.
- Stein, S., & Book, H. E. (2006). The EQ Edge: Emotional Intelligence and Your Success (2nd ed.). Jossey-Bass.
